11.03.2009

fantasy vs reality

Last night I made spaghetti and meatballs. With half of one of those frozen garlic bread loaves with that are so good with their too much butter and seasonings built right in.
It was a really simple night.

I got home early from work and we relaxed and watched TV. Collin watered and looked after the yard while I started dinner. We went on a walk with Early down to the Thomas Center as the house filled with the smell of our meal.
After it was all done and we were both satisfied we just kept looking at each other and smiling these wide, bright grins. These looks on our faces kept saying, "I love you. And I love our life together." and we were both so sincere.

I said last night to him that I wouldn't change a single thing about my life. That I have not the tiniest piece of my life to complain about. Now, I know this isn't the first time I've felt that way. I've been in just the right place and time in my life before; happy and fulfilled. Now though, the present, feels more permanent. It is more permanent. I'm older now and more aware of what I need to make me happy vs what I want that could make me happy. In the past years I've been successful in sifting through the both and really focusing on my needs - things like a loving partner, a comfortable home, a handful of good friends, a satisfying yet enjoyable job.
These things I now have.
Sure there are parts of my life I would improve on; debt and Collin's school status are the two big ones but I'm not worried about them because we're actively working on all this together.

Yet I find myself asking whether I am simply settling or lucky to have found this place where I want to stay and raise a family? Why would I run off to start over in another city when I'm not unhappy here? I think it would take some miracle job for Collin and I to make a move and I just don't see that happening. Some of our friends are becoming restless though. Many moved here for college and are just tired of this town. I understand. Had I moved here for the same reason we would have probably jetted off to some other corner of the country by now. Maybe not though. I'm not a wet blanket or anything, I just like stability, and the comfort that comes from living in one city longer than two years. As Collin said to me once when we were still long-distance-dating, "I'm not a waffler". A handful of friends are starting to put some roots into our community as well. One just bought a house this past year. I find myself even more content knowing that we could be building the extended family we reach out to for the next 20 years.

I once heard about a study that stated womens fantasies were much more frequently about domestic life and milestones rather than sex (to hell with trying to find it, this was so so long ago). I want to say that they simply asked of both sexes, "What are some of your fantasies?" and let them answer openly without prompting. Thoughts about getting married, owning a home, landing a dream job were frequently first thought of by women - I am not surprised. This is me, but especially after marriage I find this to be true. Is it this way for most married women? Is it because we know we can have good sex when we want (assuming our husbands are similarly willing to drop anything for a romp) and these are the things in life about which we aren't sure? Are fantasies supposed to be your ultimate dream reality or something you can have if you're just patient and work hard?
Am I doing the fantasy thing wrong? Or am I, in part, living my fantasy already?

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