Keeping Up

If I have learned one thing about myself as an adult, it's that things are rarely as bad as they seem before you actually get started.
As a child, I hated imperfection. A general term, but one nonetheless that could encompass whatever I thought was 'wrong' with something. Perfect to me meant arriving somewhere on time, dressed appropriately and prepared. If I was going to be late to dance class, I would rather just skip it. If I could get there on time but wasn't prepared or dressed (or whatever) properly, again I'd rather not go at all. My fears were in the faces of those who would notice. Notice that something had messed up the plan somewhere along the line and that I couldn't keep up with what I felt were my responsibilities. Fast forward to college and it continued. Woke up late for class; a 'normal' person might throw on sweat pants, forgo the makeup and get there a few minutes late because what mattered was getting there for the lesson. I, would curl into a ball and imagine the hundreds of faces watching me slink to the back of the room as I interrupted the lecture with my crazy ponytail attempt to cover up bedhead.
Therapy for my OCD helped me transition through these feelings to the place I am now. I might not arrive exactly on time and I might not look perfect, but I can find a comfortable medium for myself. I'm no longer paralyzed by a fear of 'imperfection' like I once was. Today I know it's never all-or-nothing. Rarely are there cases where it would be best for me to just stay home instead of being a few minutes late. I am thankful to have had the help I did in understanding this.

Sometimes I look back and can't believe how much more a relaxed person I am now than I was just over 5 years ago.

Recently I have started planning out the work I'll need to do in order to build my inventory for GLAM and Atomic Holiday Bazaar. All lumped together it's incredibly overwhelming. When I break it down though, I can see there is a reasonable amount of work but that it's not impossible.
Not so impossible seeming that I feel like I should just quit, like I should just not waste my time starting because I won't be able to finish everything as 'perfectly' as I want.
All I have to do is work at it, slowly, and enough will get done so that I feel accomplished. So that I will feel competent and that I have put forth enough energy.

Last week I did enamel on Monday night like I swore to myself I would. I finished 5 small teardrop pendants and they're ready for assembly once I drill the metal flowers. This Monday, I let myself off the hook because I wanted to relax with Collin on our anniversary. Tuesday we wanted to take Early on a long walk so that we could wear her out before trying to endure the hell that is clipping her nails. Last night we were dog-sitting for a friend and I didn't think that I could concentrate and maneuver around two big happy dogs while working. Tonight is my favorite TV night. One night after another of potential work gone because I am not prioritizing what I need to. Or, what I tell myself I should be prioritizing.

I'm rambling, and thinking 'out loud' here about all of this. But I feel that with everything I've learned about myself, I should be able to relax and allow myself to not have guilt over choosing other 'work' or even play over this work I have weighing on me. Then again, once I allow myself the luxury of not worrying about getting this done I feel anxious all over about not keeping up.

Lame.
What I really need to remind myself is that last year I had from now to the middle of November to fire and assemble and order all my supplies for GLAM. And I needed to conceptualize and execute my entire setup and branding and pricing.
If I can do that and be well-received and successful. I can do this too. I know the shows are a little bigger, but the work is faster and I am better now at what I do.
I can do this.
I just have to get myself to.
'Good enough' is good enough, and I will never accomplish everything I want to in a day. Things take time and when it's all done I will look back and think, "that work wasn't as bad as it seemed".
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Quit Yer Bitchin'

I'm guilty of it.
We all are.

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.
As of late I've noticed almost nothing around me except all the complaining everyone seems to be doing.
Scrolling over my facebook wall reads like a bunch of babies with wet diapers. Sure everyone's in a huff about the recently passed health care bill (which p.s. I am excited about) but even aside from that so many are full of dissatisfaction. Relationships, personal health challenges, the weather, their kids, their mom, their dogs, their whole freaking life. I can't help but sometimes let it creep into my own mind and knock my good mood right on it's butt. And that right there, is something I'm trying harder now than ever not to let happen.

I had a draft post written last night and ready to go this morning but when I re-read it, I sounded just like everyone else...

So it's gone.
Deleted.

Instead I will ignore the stresses around me for just a minute and list some of the awesome that has made me smile in the past few days and is lined up to do the same in the near future.

1. I sold 4 necklaces and a pair of earrings this weekend through my facebook page and simply by having friends over for our St. Patrick's day party and the Ladies Clothes Swap.
2. My friends are lovely and we had fun trying on each others clothes, picking out new things and stuffing our faces with delicious girly noms.
3. The spring weather is glorious and I am getting inspired to take a long walk this afternoon just for photo taking of all the flowers and blooms.
4. After a busy busy weekend this next set of days off having nothing scheduled except enameling. Just what I want - naps and art.
5. ... and maybe a little gardening thrown in with the naps and the art.

Spring makes me happy and I wish it would last forever this year. Thanks to some complications with our landlord, let's just say I'm not really looking forward to Summer (and having her as our new neighbor). Until then, I want to try as hard as I can to push out the negativity and enjoy this season in peace until our lives get a lot more dramatic.


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Bullet List

The days are moving fast and on this rainy afternoon my brain is being pulled in opposite directions.

Stresses in my life are prompting some thinking on optimism, patience and timing.
Three things I usually think I handle well but about which am frequently reminded I need practice. One day it's like you wake up and realize that every single thing is a shade of gray - that for every bad thing in your life there is a good side. I suppose it has to be true in reverse.

So. Let's start with the good, yeah?

good

• The show this weekend is coming up so fast! I ordered supplies from my favorite Etsy.com seller and they were here like lightning - now to get to work!
  
• My folding table came in at Wal-Mart and now I have to actually put it together and do a mock setup before this Saturday.
• Free rides in the AM with my co-worker means I can save more vacation days for vacations.
• Collin dug out those savings bonds from his grandparents and we're finally going through the steps to deposit them.
• More subpoenas for Collin are in the mail along with the TurboTax cd from his dad.
• Charting says my potential monthly lady-woes should arrive the day before the craft show. Perfect.
  

bad

• I ordered the wrong jump rings. And I still have no car. No car to get me to the craft store that is all the way out here by work so I can purchase those jump rings I need to make any more finished pieces of jewelry.
• Setup for the show on Saturday is only about half an hour. This is a very short window and I'm worried about getting everything done in time.
• I've been waking up early because I can't sleep in the early morning due to the cat (as usual) and anxiety over sleeping late and holding up my friend.
• Guilt is creeping in a little over putting Collin's savings bonds that his grandparents set up for him towards my our car, my our dental bills and my our credit card debt.
  
• Collin's car is driving sluggish getting into first gear (after $1500 in recent repairs) and subpoenas mean extended driving.
• I hope the work Collin has done for his dad this year won't screw us up with self-employment taxes.
• Thanks to stress, potential monthly lady-woes might arrive the day of the craft show. Crap.
• Potential monthly lady-woes might not arrive for the craft show at all. Ugh.
  

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Good things are happening again.

Or, the bad things have stopped because we've accepted them and are working past it. It's hard to tell sometimes. Whether the storm of crap has ended and that's why it's easier to breath, or if it's because you started looking beyond the now and the universe follows your lead.

I smiled a lot more last week. Collin worked in Orlando Monday night through Wednesday and I used the nights to pump out the xmas ornaments we're gifting family and friends. Productivity really helps to bring me out of a slump.
Then a spontaneous ladies' night at 101 with the girls Thursday melted a little stress from the week and started off a weekend of relaxed company.
Bonfire and beers with the dogs at Cindy's Friday night and after a busy Saturday daytime (errands, work, errands, enameling) she came over to our place and we watched Fight Club on TV and did nothing. It was great. Even got to hang out with Collin after he got out of work because I was still awake!

I finally got Dave Ramsey's book in at the library, too. Picked it up while I was out running those errands on Saturday (like dropping off an etsy order at the post office).

Crap. Now we have to actually start doing the real work.

Good timing though - at least more this week than the last. I think if this book had come in in the thick of financial stresses I might have been a bit overwhelmed and emotional to read it properly (aka without extreme guilt and self-loathing). However, in a better space I realized that we are alright. From reading a little about the baby steps we managed to accomplished #1 ($1000 savings) a long time ago and it turns out the debt snowball was what we were already doing. Well look at that. I will say that we were tested by this last months emergencies - real ones like vet bills and necessary car repairs - and got discouraged. It's nice to have $1000 in savings but what do you do when all your emergencies in a two week span total double that amount? Cry. If you're me. Also if you're me you break the cardinal rule and put some of that shit on those credit cards you hadn't used in about 6 months (Dammit!) so that after xmas you can start the new year off by paying off those newest charges asap before getting back to baby step #1.

I'm constantly having to remind myself that we just started this process and we're so young. When I do, I am super stoked on our potential. We're still 5.5 years from 30. Finishing step 3 (the real emergency fund of 6 mo. expenses) is the goal and hopefully with motivation we can also save up a hefty home down payment with a great rate on a 15 year mortgage.
Who really knows though, right?

I'm determined but I'm still a little anxious about "living like no one else now...".
Some of his more radical ideas I just can't swallow for ourselves. Like, we could sell Collin's drums, but really? No effing way. And if we do that and sell some furniture we could move into a littler apartment but it's the same deal.
I'm not there yet (if I ever will be). I want to stay here because I think it's unfair to have a large dog in too small a space and we have too many benefits that aren't monetary. Like access to the Thomas Center for dog walking, great neighbors that help us not have to board Lucky when we travel, a utility bill half paid for by our landlord in exchange for letting her use our address as her own, updated (safer) plumbing/hvac/fireplaces and do you know how much it costs to move? A lot.
Most of it though, we're going to do.
Some expenses will just have to go - like the "credit protection" I have on my amex and vices we simply do not need to keep feeding. We need to keep better track of our stuff - Collin especially with tips and freelance, his variable income. We have to know exactly what we have so we can make sure to live well within our means. I have to be better about the budget, too. It's all to easy to say that I can spend extra at the grocery store because we're eating out less this month but if I don't do the math and don't move the money, it won't happen. It will all just over spend.

We're also lucky that we've been able to provide for ourselves in unexpected ways this year. Just this past couple weeks when we're really struggling, I make 4 sales on Etsy and Collin gets a fat stack of subpoenas. Maybe I won't get those prescription sunglasses right at xmas, but I'll get them sometime and I want more to be out of debt than anything else right now.

January will see a lot of mint.com and spreadsheeting, I tell you what.
Much love to the coming 2010

(much love to my 100th post)
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scared shitless

This summer will bring some changes in the lives of Lindsey and Collin over the next coming months. One big awesome amazing happy thing for the both of us, and two big things for me that will ultimately affect him - one good, one bad.
Well, that depends on how you classify good and bad I suppose.

Let's get that bad news out of the way, shall we?



I'm going to the dentist.

Ugh. The dentist.
Here is where I confess something terrible:
It has been nearly 6 years since I last visited the dentist. For anything. Even back then at that last appointment I was in need of the two things that I need now. Both scare the crap out of me and are so expensive that I just couldn't get myself back there to take care of it. Years of putting this to the farthest back of all burners has made it an almost immediate concern.
But now, I have this lovely thing called dental insurance. Maybe this is nothing new to you, but for me it is a lifelong first. I have actually had said insurance for one whole year now but because there is a year long waiting period for specific procedure coverage, I have been waiting still.

Or putting it off because I am still so freaked out.
That's a bit more honest there.

First thing first, I need a crown. I chipped a middle molar back in high school. A little ding off the side where the original tooth was worn thin thanks to a filling put in years before. I chipped this tooth on gum (?). It never bothered me but it chipped again a couple years later and then at the last appointment I had it was clean and healthy but needed a crown. Something that took longer than the one week I was home over winter break my freshman year of college. Since then my putting it off has been about time and money. When can I take days to recover, when will I have a thousand bucks to cover dental work??
Never, that's when.
Until now, with insurance that covers 50-80% of the cost and at least a couple remaining paid vacation days in the bank to cushion the blow that is taking off work.

Also, those damn wisdom teeth. The top two have been through the gums and in place for several years now. They had room but I know they need to come out because they can't be properly cleaned back there. The bottom two are another story; impacted and coming through the gums anyway they have ruined the orthodontic work done on my bottom teeth back in middle school for sure. My jaw clicks and aches sometimes. I know this has to be fixed.
Again, when do I have the time for major oral surgery and the thousands of dollars to cover the costs?? Only now.
And it is only now that I can go in to see someone even for a routine cleaning because I have been so ashamed of not being able to take care of those bigger problems that I wouldn't let a dentist in there when I could well afford the regularly scheduled shit.

Ugh. I am honestly terrified. I am anxious over pain, over them telling me it's worse than it is, over the embarrassment of neglecting my teeth for so long. I am worried the crown will never be right (previous problems my mom had) and that I'll get some crazy infection and will be put on antibiotics only to have some severe allergic reaction. I don't even have an epi-pen yet. I have never had surgery or anesthesia - I am freaked the fuck out over saying or doing something weird/vulgar/bitchy/crazy while I'm under. These are the things that scare me the most.
The other thing is the money. I'm worried that we can't afford this (even though we have to some way or another) and that it's one more thing that will keep us from getting out of debt. Something we've been working really hard on together.
So yeah, wish me luck in August after our birthdays. I'm still waiting until then for my first appointment because the coverage for major procedures doesn't kick in until September 1. I have a hunch that once they see what is in there, they will want to start fixing it right away.

My only comfort is Collin. I am put at ease knowing he will be taking care of me while I recover. I am happy knowing he has a flexible schedule and will be there for me when I need him. When he tells me not to worry about the money, I don't so much. I know he will never resent me for needing this and needing to spend our money on this. He's even already seen me in a terrible and embarrassingly incapacitated state thanks to vodka, my bridesmaids and my bachelorette party. I love him.
So, there's the bad.


The good for me is that I will be featured in a SRQ gallery/boutique along with Collin's mom, sister and the other Betty's. So many of his mom's friends are truly talented (herself included - pottery what?) and I'm really flattered that she thought to include me and invite me to exhibit at the show.
Of course, this would spark my motivation for a full on enamel debut. I have been working for the past few weeks since learning of the show to get my shit together and really start something.
My goals are to make over 50 pieces for this show with 20 pieces or so to put on a newly designed and launched Etsy.com store site. I want to design and print business cards to set out with my work while it is for sale at the gallery to spread the word and encourage people who don't find exactly what they love to contact me about custom art. I want to start branding myself and my product.
I am totally excited and totally scared about putting myself out there like this. I have the potential to make some real money here and that also puts other worries in my head. I have been talking about this since I got my kiln a year ago and I am glad I've had the time to play and create gifts and keep it my hobby. I am worried though that with it as a job, it will lose the fun. I think this will be something I have to consciously not stress out about. Something that I need to purposefully keep simple and uncomplicated.
Something I know very little about.
I have 2.5 months remaining until the exhibit opening on October 2nd (our first anniversary weekend!) and I think I will be just fine.


However... and here's the part about the big awesome totally rad exciting wonderful thing involving the both of us...

We're adopting a dog!

Thought I'd be knocked up, yeah? No.
Collin and I have been talking about a dog for quite a long time now. Discussing when the best time was, when we would have the money and space. What about Gabe's cats? Gabe doesn't want a dog.
Well, Gabe is moving out. In less than two weeks now we will be welcoming this sweet girl into our lives.

Internet, meet Early.
This little girl has been in foster care for far too long and we are so so so so excited to bring her home next week. I'm even taking two days off for "maternity leave" to spend time getting to know her and getting used to a new schedule.
Collin is nothing but excited - I however am still a little scared. I've never had a dog before and I am trusting Collin to help me learn how to be a good doggymom to this one here. I know she belongs with us - we've even had our eyes on her from the start. It's just hard not to be anxious about the start of something new, whether it's good or bad or just different.

I've found myself nesting in the middle of all these new things. Mostly in preparation for the pup's arrival, I just want everything clean. I want to welcome her and spend our time together hanging out having fun with no worries about chores or to-do lists. It's also in part because Gabe is moving and I'm unearthing items that haven't been used in years - that may be part of it...

Right now I am trying to concentrate on the present before it becomes the past. I am appreciating my quiet morning routine, my lucky (while he is my only, my goodboy) and my messy house full of Gabe before he heads out to move in with his own love.

This life is a good one, even with changes on the horizon.
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